because everyone needs to vent sometimes.

liquid hot tears.
the burning in my cheeks.
breath stolen from my chest.
the way you've made me feel is like fire.
shaky hands, unsteady emotions
constantly on the verge of explosion
bite my lip until it bleeds.

my head is constantly spinning
like the earth on its axis;
funny how it keeps going and going
even if my world has stopped.
dizzy, unsure, and trusting no one
i put on this mask, and i hide.

day by day, night by night
in the back of my mind, you're there.

when will i regain control?
i will not let this defeat me;
i will not let this define me.
it's just a matter of time until you're just
a figment of my imagination;
a part of my past. the part i don't remember.
the part i'll never forget.

ben kenney.

the bassist for incubus [ben kenney]

is one of my favorite musicians, and has been for years.

his solo stuff is pretty much amazing.

and as of lately he manages to explain my life in a nutshell.

a grudge is not a grudge when it's a promise to myself

i hope you recognize before there's someone else

who might not ever let you know

when people come up to me and wanna talk about you

they say "forgive and forget"

it's just so easy to say and all the same walk away without a trace of regret

but they don't know about the messages you left

i think if everyone knew about the things that you do

they'd lose a lot of respect.

check him out, because he's awesome.

and good to listen to when trying to get over dumb boys.

[liars, cheaters, manipulators..the whole lot of them].

no bueno.

i'd rather stay single, thanks.

oh copeland.

Maybe I fell too fast

Maybe I pushed you away

Now you're gone and I'm afraid

That you're never coming back this way again

just looking back...

sometimes i enjoy going through my older blog and looking at my writing. i used to be a much more descriptive and open writer. now i'm too scared to see what people will think of me if i say what's truly on my mind!!
so my goal is to be a bit better at just writing. and just being me. this morning while looking through my writing pieces, i found this piece i called hesitation. i wrote it two weeks before i graduated from high school when i was having a really hard time with... (what else?) boys. 

It was like we knew our time was limited. Life was so bittersweet. I enjoyed every moment with him, but I was too scared to let go of the other one. When your future hangs above your head like fog, you tend to hold on to those you love. Even if it is well past time to let them go. And so I held onto them both. I held onto one for safety. He was my backup plan in case the future went horribly wrong. And I couldn't break it to him that I had fallen in love with someone else. He is good to me. He loves me.  And yet I could not love him back.
This other person...it was like we knew our time was limited. Driving through the canyon with the windows down, listening to Turbulence. "You have to be careful with my heart...& I'll  be someone else for you." And I was. I was happy, I was content, I was comfortable. As we lay in the grass one spring morning, sluffing school, he scratched my back and I told him my deepest concerns...about religion, life, the future. I will never forget the words he told me under the May sun. "Sometimes you just have to push blindly through uncertainty. If you dip your toes in the water and try 2 or 3 different paths, you're bound to get lost. Sometimes you just have to go, and not look back. If things go wrong, so what? At least you tried something new and different, and at least you gained the experience." He was there for me more than anyone. I could not believe how easy it was to tell him what was on my mind. He is my shoulder; my life; my other half; my better half.
We were attached at the hip up until the day I broke his heart. It was a late summer night, and it was drizzling rain. And I told him... I am too happy with you. I am too comfortable with you. There is something wrong with me; I am not happy being happy. I run around picking up the pieces of things I've broken, things I've lost. I want to be strong for someone else; I don't mind being hurt. I prefer it. I physically don't know how to lean on another person, & trust them as much as I trusted him. It scared me. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Because I am happy," I said. "It's something I'm not used to and I don't know what to do with it."
Now that he is gone, he writes every so often. And I realize just what I have done. I have let go of the one person who pushed me to be better. I have hurt the one boy who would never hurt me. When the future hangs above my head like fog, I will not do this again. I can only hope that time will heal his wounds, and when I see him again, it will be a happy reunion.
"My mom asked me the other day who I was talking to before I left. I told her you. She said 'Oh.' And then she said, 'You love her, don't you?' I told her yes, and she said, 'I knew it.'"
When the day comes & he finally gets home, I am going to make a choice. I am going to push blindly into the future, through the fog, & not look back. Because hesitation is my biggest regret.

this piece is about 2 1/2 years old, and it brings back every memory of this boy in a rush. i miss him so much and i can't wait to see him very, very soon.

life is so crazy. who knows what the future holds?