sometimes i enjoy going through my older blog and looking at my writing. i used to be a much more descriptive and open writer. now i'm too scared to see what people will think of me if i say what's truly on my mind!!
so my goal is to be a bit better at just writing. and just being me. this morning while looking through my writing pieces, i found this piece i called hesitation. i wrote it two weeks before i graduated from high school when i was having a really hard time with... (what else?) boys.
It was like we knew our time was limited. Life was so bittersweet. I enjoyed every moment with him, but I was too scared to let go of the other one. When your future hangs above your head like fog, you tend to hold on to those you love. Even if it is well past time to let them go. And so I held onto them both. I held onto one for safety. He was my backup plan in case the future went horribly wrong. And I couldn't break it to him that I had fallen in love with someone else. He is good to me. He loves me. And yet I could not love him back.
This other person...it was like we knew our time was limited. Driving through the canyon with the windows down, listening to Turbulence. "You have to be careful with my heart...& I'll be someone else for you." And I was. I was happy, I was content, I was comfortable. As we lay in the grass one spring morning, sluffing school, he scratched my back and I told him my deepest concerns...about religion, life, the future. I will never forget the words he told me under the May sun. "Sometimes you just have to push blindly through uncertainty. If you dip your toes in the water and try 2 or 3 different paths, you're bound to get lost. Sometimes you just have to go, and not look back. If things go wrong, so what? At least you tried something new and different, and at least you gained the experience." He was there for me more than anyone. I could not believe how easy it was to tell him what was on my mind. He is my shoulder; my life; my other half; my better half.
We were attached at the hip up until the day I broke his heart. It was a late summer night, and it was drizzling rain. And I told him... I am too happy with you. I am too comfortable with you. There is something wrong with me; I am not happy being happy. I run around picking up the pieces of things I've broken, things I've lost. I want to be strong for someone else; I don't mind being hurt. I prefer it. I physically don't know how to lean on another person, & trust them as much as I trusted him. It scared me. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Because I am happy," I said. "It's something I'm not used to and I don't know what to do with it."
Now that he is gone, he writes every so often. And I realize just what I have done. I have let go of the one person who pushed me to be better. I have hurt the one boy who would never hurt me. When the future hangs above my head like fog, I will not do this again. I can only hope that time will heal his wounds, and when I see him again, it will be a happy reunion.
"My mom asked me the other day who I was talking to before I left. I told her you. She said 'Oh.' And then she said, 'You love her, don't you?' I told her yes, and she said, 'I knew it.'"
When the day comes & he finally gets home, I am going to make a choice. I am going to push blindly into the future, through the fog, & not look back. Because hesitation is my biggest regret.
This other person...it was like we knew our time was limited. Driving through the canyon with the windows down, listening to Turbulence. "You have to be careful with my heart...& I'll be someone else for you." And I was. I was happy, I was content, I was comfortable. As we lay in the grass one spring morning, sluffing school, he scratched my back and I told him my deepest concerns...about religion, life, the future. I will never forget the words he told me under the May sun. "Sometimes you just have to push blindly through uncertainty. If you dip your toes in the water and try 2 or 3 different paths, you're bound to get lost. Sometimes you just have to go, and not look back. If things go wrong, so what? At least you tried something new and different, and at least you gained the experience." He was there for me more than anyone. I could not believe how easy it was to tell him what was on my mind. He is my shoulder; my life; my other half; my better half.
We were attached at the hip up until the day I broke his heart. It was a late summer night, and it was drizzling rain. And I told him... I am too happy with you. I am too comfortable with you. There is something wrong with me; I am not happy being happy. I run around picking up the pieces of things I've broken, things I've lost. I want to be strong for someone else; I don't mind being hurt. I prefer it. I physically don't know how to lean on another person, & trust them as much as I trusted him. It scared me. "Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Because I am happy," I said. "It's something I'm not used to and I don't know what to do with it."
Now that he is gone, he writes every so often. And I realize just what I have done. I have let go of the one person who pushed me to be better. I have hurt the one boy who would never hurt me. When the future hangs above my head like fog, I will not do this again. I can only hope that time will heal his wounds, and when I see him again, it will be a happy reunion.
"My mom asked me the other day who I was talking to before I left. I told her you. She said 'Oh.' And then she said, 'You love her, don't you?' I told her yes, and she said, 'I knew it.'"
When the day comes & he finally gets home, I am going to make a choice. I am going to push blindly into the future, through the fog, & not look back. Because hesitation is my biggest regret.
this piece is about 2 1/2 years old, and it brings back every memory of this boy in a rush. i miss him so much and i can't wait to see him very, very soon.
life is so crazy. who knows what the future holds?
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