thoughts.

i'm very glad i don' t work until late tomorrow, because i have caught the insomnia bug...bad.

last night i had anxiety over what to do come fall, balancing school & my 2 (& a half) jobs. it all seems like so much sometimes.

but today it feels like nothing.

earlier this evening i heard about the sibling of an old, dear friend of mine passing away. my friend arianna marsden lived in my parent's neighborhood when we were in jr. high. she was my locker partner, my confidant & my friend through many awkward years. she played a role in the lds movie, "the testaments" (the little girl with the monkey!) so i always felt so privileged to be her friend. her whole family was so lovely, & always welcoming to me.

i remember her little brother, sawyer. he was so cute & lovable. he always wanted to hang out with us, even though most of the time we were far "too cool" for little brothers. that was hardly the case, though. he was always coming up with clever pranks to play on their little sister, alanna, who is my sister rachel's age. we had a blast through those years. it was a lovely time in my life.

it's been a good 10 years since i've really even thought about sawyer, or talked to him. they moved back to canada when i was going into 9th grade, & other than keeping in touch with ari, i didn't know much about the family through the years.

i'm up tonight because i'm so, so sad for her family. i'm so sad for the heartache they have to endure. i can't even believe the little boy sawyer is gone. i don't even think he made it to 21. it breaks me, to my core.

i've always had an irrational fear of losing family & those close to me. i've been dealt a great hand in that i've never had to deal with something like that. a close friend of mine passed away my sophomore year of college, & that is it: the closest i've come to true, complete heartbreak.

anxiety is keeping me up; mostly i'm afraid something will happen to those close to me. sometimes i have to talk myself out of this sort of thought process. all growing up, i guilted myself into doing what i was "supposed" to do, because if i didn't, god would punish me by taking away someone i loved. i see now the complete irrationality of that mindset, though at the time it made sense... the scare tactics used by the church i was raised in can be a bit bothersome. i was truly terrified that if i did something considered a "sin," the next day my mom would die. i remember when my next door neighbor died at the age of 8, i spent months & months trying to convince myself that it WASN'T because i did something wrong. she was just...gone, because the universe made it so. & i have gotten lucky to not be one of those chosen to just...go.

that's another thing eating at me this evening. if i were gone tomorrow...just gone, completely, with no time to say my goodbyes... what would people think? i guess it would depend on how i went. but i get so paranoid of thinking that what if tomorrow i get hit by a bus, & people think, "oh, poor lauren. she was never on the right path anyway." or that they never know how deeply i care for my family, despite how different & isolated i sometimes feel. that they would never know how hard i tried to be "normal," to be one of them, to be something i'm not.

i guess the point of this post is to point out how much i truly love you all. my family, boyfriend, close friends, acquaintances..even those who read my blog that i have never met. life is special. life is sacred. it's something bigger than what we know.

cherish those you love, & make sure you never hesitate to tell them how you feel.

i already feel better (& more sleepy). sometimes a good venting/admittance of how much i love those around me is just what i need.