i want to find love.

excuse me while i vent for just a moment, about something that you'll probably never hear me vent about again.

usually i'm a very independent person. i don't like having to rely on other people. i am completely okay with relying only on myself, and only looking out for myself. i pay my own bills, i drive my own car, and i look to myself to find happiness. i don't have to run my decisions by a second party and i don't have to check in with anyone.

this is the kind of lifestyle that i love. and because i love living this way, i've managed to put up quite the barrier over the past few years. while i've managed to date around, i haven't let anyone come close to knowing the real lauren, and i haven't come close to actual COMMITMENT. (that dreaded word!) this barrier has been built up nicely and i have actually grown to be quite proud of it.

but there are times when the barrier is a little bit thinner than usual.. i can think of 2 occasions where this is the case:

1. valentines day (barf)

2. the holidays

so when you see me running around mouthing off christmas and how much i hate it, please just try to understand!
the holidays are when i am MOST likely to let my guard down and let someone in. it's the time where i want someone to cuddle with next to the fire. someone to make gingerbread houses with. someone to hang out with and watch football. someone to hold my hand when it's cold outside. someone to get a present for for christmas.

times like these call for desperate measures. it's when i put my scrooge face on and curse the holidays. especially christmas music. it comes on the day after thanksgiving and i think, "oh no. it's that time of year, isn't it?" the time when you see couples holding hands on the ice rink, or sledding together down old main hill. it's that time of year where couples of all ages share a cup of cocoa, exchange gifts and kisses in front of the rest of us single-and-not-ready-to-mingle folk.
while the other 10 or so months out of the year i pride myself in being a utah girl who is over 21 and not married, the holidays seem to remind me what a minority i am in the love category. and it makes me think/do things that are very unlike me. such as wish i had a boyfriend.
 if i am ever going to get swooped, i guarantee you it will happen between the months of november - january.